Monday, May 28, 2007

just friends?

i have been reading about instances of infidelity for the past few weeks. and the following is an excerpt of the afterword of Dr. Shirley Glass, the author of the book NOT "Just Friends" Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.

Seven Facts You Need to Know About Infidelity

  1. A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.
  2. The person having the affair may not be giving enough at home rather than not getting enough.
  3. It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that other person is a danger sign.
  4. Flirting is crossing the line because it is an invitation that indicates receptivity.
  5. Infidelity is not only about love or sex--it's about maintaining appropriate boundaries with others and being open and honest in your committed relationship.
  6. You do not have to have sexual intercourse to be unfaithful. Passionate kissing or oral sex is a violation of your commitment to your partner.
  7. Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.

What You Need to Know About Love

  • People compare and confuse the intensity of being "in love" during an affair with the secure, comfortable feeling of reality based "loving" that occurs in long term relationships.
  • The feeling of being "in love" is linked to Stage One idealization, passion and infatuation.
  • True love, which you grow into, is characterized by acceptance, understanding, and compassion. That is why so few people end up marrying their affair partners, and those who do have an extremely high probability of divorce.
  • Once the affair is no longer the forbidden relationship that takes place in a golden bubble, the cold light of day soon bursts the romantic fantasies.

Seven Tips for Preventing Infidelity

  1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.
  2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
  3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
  4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
  5. Keep old flames from re-igniting. If a former lover is coming to the class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.
  6. Don't go over the line when you're On-Line with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him/her your e-mail if he/she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange sexual fantasies online.
  7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.

Critical Elements for Healing the Trauma of Infidelity

  • Recovery requires reversing the walls and windows in the extramarital triangle to place the betrayed partner inside and the affair partner outside.
  • Healing cannot begin without safety. The first step in establishing safety is to stop all contact with the affair partner.
  • Rebuilding trust after deception and lying is achieved by complete honesty about the infidelity. Voluntarily sharing all unavoidable encounters with the affair partner is an essential trust-builder.
  • Discussing the story of the affair is crucial for understanding the meaning of the infidelity.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Weird Tag

Instructions: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about himself/herself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

Don't forget to leave a comment in their comments box that says you tagged them then tell them to read your blog. No tagbacks.

The 6 Weird Things About Me:

1. i am so addicted to sudoku that i solve them even on the web and i also cut the sudoku out from my boss' newspapers even if he hasnt read them yet!

2. i sometimes make weird sounds through my mouth (of course) when i am bored during my ride home.

3. i dont get kabag.

4. i think i was the only girl during hs whose favorite tv programs are shaider and bioman.

5. i love love stories. yes, i was a sucker for it.

6. i used to read jane austen novels while studying for exams in law school. and guess what? the reading made me think clearer and write more logically.

will tag all my friends in the right corner!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


My all-time fave movie is Love Story. And its all-time quotable quote is "[l]ove means never having to say you're sorry." I thought i understood that. It was really easy to understand theoretically. If you love unconditionally, you dont need the person you love to say sorry. Completely simple to comprehend. Until i loved.

Even God who loves us so much is waiting for us to seek forgiveness. He loves us unconditionally. Yet, not everyone will go to heaven. And we, mere mortals, have been created in the likeness of God. So, who are we to proudly say that we do not need to say or hear sorry?

I know of friends and family members whose relationship had been strained for years because no one ever apologized.

What makes us fail to say sorry? Pride. Love of self above love for the one you offended or caused pain. You know that what you did was wrong which eventually hurt someone. And yet, you do not apologize for the mere fact that you do not want to admit that you were wrong.

But when we do say we're sorry, we really have to mean it. It won't happen again. Or at least we exerted utmost efforts not to. Because the essence of apology is lost in insincere repetitions.

And sometimes, even though we believe in our hearts that we did nothing wrong, we are sorry that we hurt the persons we love.

It really is a matter of choice between restoring a relationship and preserving your pride.

Correlative to apology is forgiveness.

For some who had been badly hurt, it would take a lot of time to heal the wound. But forgiveness and healing are two different matter. We may completely forgive the person even if the pain is still there; it is just a matter of will. i believe though that the pain will not fade without forgiveness.


Note: this was the inspiration of this article.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A Mother's Dilemma

less than four days to go and my kodigo is still blank. this coming Monday, unlike any other Second Mondays of May three, six, nine or even twelve years ago, is most significant because i will now cast my vote as a Mother with my son's future in mind.

what shall be my standards for giving my trust to these persons who would have a hand in steering the future of my son? i certainly do not want my son to grow up in a country with no greens and under the sea. i do not want to see him looked down by foreigners merely because he is a Filipino. and in this sense, i do not want the Filipinos to be branded as corrupt, immoral and without dignity. Yes, many of us may be slaves in foreign lands. but we are not the first to be one. and from history, those nations stood up and became important. I am still expecting that one day, we might achieve such greatness. and, hopefully it will be in my son's lifetime, if not my own.

with this in mind, there is no doubt that i will heed the 10 Commandments. i have been listening to the podcasts of the senatoriables at Inquirer website and viewing Isang Tanong of GMA News these past few days to make a somewhat intelligent vote (since my vote could only be as intelligent as the candidate).

and surprisingly, i must say that a certain political party has impressed me. Their candidates are no nonsense professionals who are running for platforms and what they believe in. Dr. Bautista particularly has moved me through his interview with Lynette Luna wherein he said, "[p]olitics here is so corrupt because politicians make a living out of it. Once a politician is going to depend on politics as a means of making a living, it's going to be treated like a cottage industry where all your sisters, brothers, friends, are going to depend upon you to make a living. And that's the number one biggest cause of corruption in the Philippines. It's become a way of life." And i completely agree with him that politicians made it their family business, especially in local politics. Why else would they ask their son, wife, daughter to run when their term has ended? To remain in power. Name recall is all there is in politics, and they cheapen it more by espousing, more yet encouraging it.

but i guess i was not the only one impressed by them. mike enriquez, a staunch journalist who cannot be bought, gave them airtime this morning in his radio program. mike repeatedly stated that he was not endorsing these candidates, and i do believe him because what he was endorsing was their programs, platforms and how simply they campaign not for gain.

it takes more than opposing the administration to become a good leader. if you do not agree with their programs or how things are becoming, provide an alternative solution at wag kyaw-kyaw na lang ng kyaw-kyaw. a senator's principles must be defined and very well articulated to the people. no more turn-coatism or personality-based decisions.

i do not want my son to grow up with a government as the biggest example of crab mentality or power-tripping. public service is a noble endeavour, and those reserved only for noble wo/men.

is my kodigo filled-up after writing this article? nope, because we really do lack qualified leaders.