ricochet?

Yesterday was just a day of sighing, one-liners, cold shoulders and slant looks. nope, i was not ready to reconcile. not yet. nor will i give in to his puppy looks, loving whispers and caring touch, no matter how they affected me so. i will let him suffer for another day. magdusa sya!

i ended my day with these thoughts. i prayed aloud so that he and linggit could hear my prayers. it was up to him if he would join me in those prayers. i was not angry anymore. in fact, i was not even angry to begin with. i just dont want to talk to him so that he may contemplate and repent from his erring ways.

perhaps God was telling me through some weird manner that he had learned his lesson. or probably that i should be grateful with what i have.

it was an odd dream, but like the rest, it felt real.

i was in the house of an unknown friend (though i knew her in my dream). the house was shabby, and in the inner circles of an urban poor community. it was infested with rats and other creeping things. but we were happy because i was with my 2 unknown friends and my husband J. but it was thursday and we still have an exam on friday. so, being the geek that i was, i told my husband J that we should go home. when he still didnt want to, i screamed! we walked miles and miles in that maze of a community. when i finally had a glimpse of lrt railways, i was so thankful that we could finally take the train and go home. but my husband J had other plans. he went to this building, which looked like an office/residential building. and when he came back, he told me that he got us a room! i was so frustrated because we have not studied for the exams yet. but since he was my husband, i just submitted to his decision. i hated the place, not only because we have no time to study, but mainly due to my fear that we might get robbed, or worse killed, by akyat-bahay gangs, or be infected with crabs from the previous room occupants.

however, there we were. the two of us. and finally my husband J touched my small belly and told me that the baby growing inside me would look like him!

my mind screamed and freaked out! it kept on yelling that this big child i am actually carrying would be a replica of roney, whether boy or girl. nothing would grow inside me that would look like any person other than roney! that's when i woke up.

and i saw him. rather his back. and i held him tight. then he faced me and embraced me. in a hoarse whisper, i told him that i had a dream. in that dream, i was happily married. but not to him. he hugged me tighter and asked whom i was married to. i could not tell him, though i know the person. it was not important. but i guess it was significant to him, because after our 'loving moments' it was still the topic of our conversation. and during our ride to the office, he kept on interjecting my dream in our talks. i just said that i am pregnant, and i am allowed to have weird dreams. so i sent him the articles on dreams.

that's how we started today.

haaay, ang mga lalaki nga naman.

Another Dream

i just have to write this. else, i would forget how it went.

last night, i was in a very uncomfortable position. literally.

i could not lie on my back because linggit is now too heavy for my other organs. i couldn't lie on my either side because it seems that my tummy was too small-rounded for linggit. so there i was expressing my pains and aches until i dozed off.

then, i had this weird dream. it seemed too real for me.

i had delivered linggit.

the doctors did not allow me to see my baby. i told them that i would be breastfeeding my child. it should be with me as soon as it was delivered. but, my pleas only reached deaf ears.

they told me that linggit was too small. they had to feed my child with formula to make it stronger. they did not give me linggit for two days. Two days!

but, as a mother, i insisted and shouted at them to let me see my child.

when i finally saw linggit, my child was so small and thin. and i told myself that maybe it's because it was delivered only on my 6th month.

then i woke up.

was it because i incessantly complained last night?

or did the feature on XXX showing drums and drums of fetuses at a funeral parlor affected me?

does my linggit want to tell me that it is not big enough despite my contrary perception?

In the Rut

That's how i feel right now. I first heard that in 1997 from a pastor. Then, from people all over the places. But that is how i could describe myself right now. And it doesn't matter if people are in the same boat, because the fact remains that I am in this situation. Has life become too slow for me? Did I lose the excitement of life? Or is it merely a case of being distracted from the real purpose of my life?

I have always heard that the journey is as important as the destiny. We make our own destiny. We are the masters of our soul. Blah. Blah. Blah. These are all garbage to me. My will power is not as strong and resolute as it had been. I guess I am just tired. Or plain lazy. Or I could blame it on my hormonal imbalance, which I have the privilege of doing so considering my current state. I am trying to be objective and as detached as possible to analyze the situation so that the solution (or answer perhaps) may be unraveled. But everything leads me to my character flaws as the main source of my present condition. If only my physical strength could exceed its limitations, I would have been in a different, more joyful state. My spirit is very willing, but my body is weak. If only my mind could command things to do my very wishes, my life would have been more organized physically and emotionally. I just hope that I would survive this 'ordeal' with learned lessons to keep me in place forever.

I now dread the post-partum stage.

Scare

Right after our trip to Beijing, I was very happy with how well Linggit and I had done all throughout the tour. Linggit was generally docile except for very few episodes of excitement.

However, the day after we came back, I began to feel sick. Day after that, I was not able to go to work due to fever and diarrhea. Two days thereafter, I hardly ate anything; I was so weak and had no appetite. The doctor diagnosed acute gastroenteritis. Thank God it wasn’t fatal, or even harmful, to the baby, except if I were completely dehydrated. Roney supplied me with as many Gatorade as there are in the stores. Although I was feeling better last Saturday afternoon, he still hoarded Gatos.

The acute gastroenteritis gave us a scare. Me specifically. I never thought that I would survive. I had only little sleep because even in the middle of night, my stomach would raise me from my slumber. I had little food because I had no appetite at all, and my stomach hurt when I eat. It had me worried about the baby. Despite the reassurance of the doctor, I felt so damn useless, not being able to give proper nutrition and care for the baby. During those times, I had to constantly communicate to our Linggit our love and how sorry I was to eat food that triggered the AGE.

Through prayers, I was able to recuperate from sickness and recover from that nightmare. I will never eat taho again. Mark my word.